Panic Attack in Traffic :(

Usually I drive the whole way myself obviously since hubby doesn’t usually go, this time we split it. Usually I nap the day that we are leaving because I prefer to drive at night.  I wasn’t able to do that this year and figured it wasn’t a big deal since I’d have help driving.  That was before I knew his plan about splitting the drive so evenly.  When he goes somewhere with us, he drives the majority of the time.  His idea, not mine.  I was looking forward to a break.  I got tired after about 3 hours and asked him to drive.  He got irritated because it wasn’t half way and it was just weird for him to be making such a big deal of it.  I thought he was being strangely weird about insisting that we split the drive so very evenly.   Whatever.  He got over it.

On the way home…

Sigh.

I hate even typing this.

I had a HUGE panic attack on a crazy busy highway near Richmond Virginia.  My face was seriously tingling*.  Like when you are gonna pass out.  I couldn’t catch my breath and I made hubby put his hand on mine on the steering wheel.  He was being awesomely supportive actually.  I drove that way for what seemed like forever but was probably about 10 minutes really.  I was taking slow deep breaths.  I was trying to fight through it but I couldn’t do it.  I saw a spot to pull to the side of the road and did it.  Hubby got mad but I think he was more freaked out that I pulled  over in such a high traffic area than he was really mad.  He started driving and I cried.  Ugh.  I didn’t even realize we were so close to the underwater tunnel either.  About 5 minutes later we were speeding through the tunnel with gazillions of other cars.  SO glad I pulled over when I did.  Not sure what I would have done if that would have come up while I was already freaking out.

I have done that tunnel before.  I CAN do it.  I CAN do it.  But I could not have at that moment.  :(

I am mad about the panic attack.

I am embarrassed.

I am scared.

I am depressed about it.

I was doing well!  I am mad that this continues to happen to me.  I am embarrassed that this happened in front of hubby and I needed him to save me.  I have done that beach trip driving by myself 2 other times.  ALL BY MYSELF!   And many other trips before that!   I don’t need him.  Why did I have to freak out when he was there?!  I am scared because it seems like I have been having more panic attacks recently than I have in a long time.  I am scared because before a lot of my anxiety was anticipatory anxiety – I was afraid I might have a panic attack.  Now…. I am actually having the panic attacks!  What the ?!?!?  I am depressed about it because – is this what my life is going to be?  Will I have to continue to worry and plan and drive at night only on trips to avoid traffic??  Even the thought of driving to the beach next year makes me want to throw up.

Oh yeah…  and later on the trip I did actually throw up.  SO embarrassing.  I hate that I was weak in front of hubby.  So much for my fake it till you make it.  That blew up in my face.  SO much for my “I’m awesome, who the hell are you?” attitude that was working so well in my fight against the panic monster!

Our GPS is old and out of date.  I refuse to buy a card to update ours because I see that the new ones come with lifetime updates.  I want one that we can plan our route on the computer, hook up the GPS and tell it where we want to go.  We were not supposed to be on that busy highway near Richmond.  Nope.  Hubby was navigating with the map and I listened and he didn’t mean to take me there, but that’s where we went.    And then when he was driving near the end of the trip, he didn’t ignore the GPS like he should have.  I’ve used the thing on enough trips to know when to ignore it cuz it doesn’t know what its talking about, he kept listening to it even when common sense should have told him not to.  Seriously, about an hour from home – when he KNEW where we were, he listened to the stupid thing and got on very windy, small country road that went on for 14 miles.  yes.  14 miles!

I woke up amd immediately needed to puke.  I don’t do good on windy roads and he was mad cuz he figured out he was on the wrong road and was driving fast and jerky.  Ugh.  Twice he had to pull over while I yacked in the weeds.  So nice.   yep.  Such a nice way to end the trip.  Ugh.

I got a cold on the way to the beach.  Hubby is convinced it’s cuz I had the Air conditioning blowing in my face while I was driving.  He may be right.  I was so stuffy and my throat hurt and was all congested.  I bought some alkaseltzer cold medicine that I had never tried before and wow that stuff is wicked.  It knocked me out just like nyquil does.  I had the daytime and night-time pills and was taking that most of the week.

Then… I was getting nervous about driving back because we decided to leave at 8pm instead of midnight and I was supposed to drive first.  I didn’t want to drive first but he was insisting that it would work better since he is better at staying awake at night and figured by midnight or so I’d be ready to sleep.  It was a good plan (if I wasn’t a nut case with panic attacks!) and I was trying to be strong and defiant against the panic monster and do it.  I took 2 ativan.  I took them too close together and I knew it.  Then I got a pepsi max cuz that’s what I do on these drives.  That is the ONLY time I ever drink that and I usually sip it for the entire 8-9 hour drive.  I think I was drinking it too fast cuz I was worried about getting tired because I took 2 ativan.  Ugh.  The whole situation wasn’t good.  I knew it before I even got on the highway.

And then came my freak out.   I HATE this post.

And my kids were in the car and saw me freak out too :(  Hubby told them he thinks I got sick cuz of my cold medicine and pepsi max.  I hope they are satisfied with that and don’t ask more questions and figure out their mom is a nut case :(

I know this post is all out of order and long and rambling.  I’m not going to fix it.  I feel anxiety coming on just typing all this out and don’t want to deal with it anymore tonight.  It is what it is, hope you can follow it.

(* When in labor with my first kid, my face got all tingly cuz I wasn’t breathing right and the nurse told me I was going to hyperventilate.  That tingling is exactly what I was feeling! )

Back from The Beach

We went to the beach and are home.  Hubby went with us.  It was nice.  He did really well with my family and I’m happy to report that we didn’t fight once.  What??!!  lol  We did have a misunderstanding once where I got my feelings hurt but we talked it out and all was well.  And since we shared a bedroom and the opportunity presented itself, I got to have sex.  woo hoo.

8 Pounds Down

My goal was to lose 13 pounds by the time we went to the beach.  I didn’t meet that goal but I did lose 8 pounds.  woot woot!

Breakfasts at the beach were too good though so I’m sure I gained some back already!  I refuse to get back on that scale yet.  lol

Image Source: http://www.wisegeek.com

One More Good Thing: Parenting Together

One more thing – Kid1 was really being rude and mouthing off the other day.

HE STUCK UP FOR ME.

He told her she would NOT talk to her mother that way.  Are you kidding me?  And he keeps doing that!  It’s awesome.  He would never do that before.  Before he had this awesome parenting idea where he said “You do it your way, I’ll do it mine.”  Yea, that works.  Not.  Now though – I feel like we are actually in it together!  He actually steps up to the plate and dishes out some discipline.  When they aren’t listening, he makes them turn off the TV and get busy doing homework or whatever they were told. (Before he would just sit and watch it with them! No joke.) .

Kid2 wasn’t allowed to go to a movie night at her friends cuz she had attitude and didn’t help at all that day – we were all outside mowing and weeding strawberries etc.  She was told to help several times.  But even when she did finally come outside, she just complained and moved at turtle speed.  That was his decision completely, I never even brought it up!

He is actually parenting his kids in a way that makes sense.  Before he would not ever back me up.  He was the oh so fun dad that never made them do anything – until he got ticked that they never did anything and blew his top.  This is so much better!

OK.  I promise I’m done now.  I have to get to work.  I will ignore the half written posts that are me complaining about him and just focus on the positive today :)

Another Good Thing: He’s Interested.

He will actually ask me where I was when I come home from somewhere (if he didn’t already know).  What?  That means he is admitting that he has an interest in me. He would NEVER ask before.  He would just have a big attitude and I’d get the silent treatment.

More Good Stuff: The Van

On Saturday we cleaned the van.  I had the floor mats spread out in the grass and was using the Shopvac to vacuum them.  I turned the shopvac around to get tho hose on the right side for the next rug.  He laughed and said – what?  But then he stopped himself.  I asked what?  He said look at the cord.  When I spun it around to get the hose on the right side, the cord got wrapped around the vac funny.  That kind of stuff bothers him immensely.  But he laughed it off.  I LOVE it that he is seeing that I simply do not notice all these tiny things that freak him out.  I don’t do them to piss him off.  I don’t do them because I’m stupid.  I just don’t notice all the little things like that because I’m focused on something else I guess.  Or it doesn’t even seem like an issue to me at all anyway.  Of course I can see the cord, it doesn’t bother me.  So what if the cord is wrapped around it now, it will easily unwrap when I’m done!

We cleaned the van together and didn’t even fight about it!

His car died.  He has been driving the van to work at night.  This works because he works 3rd shift, so we are able to both still have a car when we need it. Let’s see… past behavior – he would rant and rave EVERY time he got into the van and he had to move the seat back.  Of course he had to move the seat back, the van is mainly my vehicle, I drive it the most, of course the seat will be set the way I like it.  Never mind that it made no sense, he would still get pissed off about it.  He would also complain that I twist the seat belt.  Huh?  Seriously, this was a huge annoyance for him.  I don’t even know what he’s talking about.  I buckle it, I unbuckle it.  I don’t do anything else with it!

Also before he would refuse to drive the van just because it was my car and he … well who knows why.  He would be going somewhere that would clearly work better if he had the van but he would still drive his car that didn’t have as much room.  It was like he refused to drive the van to spite me?  That doesn’t even make sense.  He didn’t want to be associated with me in any way, including the van?  See, it makes no sense.  Who knows why but he was determined not to need me or my van.  And he was rude and arrogant about it.

Before, he always drove if we went somewhere together.  That was fine by me cuz he made me nervous anyway.  I hated driving with him in the car cuz he has opinions about everything and does not keep them to himself.  Well, I have been driving.  He just says “You wanna drive?  I don’t feel like it.”  Normal conversation.  And he has been keeping his opinions to himself while I’m driving too!  I’m a good driver, I always have been.  He was just such an overbearing, opinionated ass – I didn’t want to hear his comments.

Good Stuff: Fun at the Ballgames

Ballgames have begun.  I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a long long time.  We are really having a good time together watching Kid3 play.   I remember sitting there last year – hating him, irritated by him “sense of humor”, by his yelling at the game.  I was embarrassed to be sitting there with him.  This weekend was different.  I still think he yells too much at the games – that seems to just be a guy thing though cuz he certainly isn’t alone in that.

I enjoy going to the baseball games with my husband.  Imagine that.

AND when we drive separately cuz he’ll have to leave before it’s over to get ready for work, he kisses me goodbye.  Last summer he would just leave.  He wouldn’t even say goodbye sometimes, much less kiss me.

It’s Better, but It’s the Same.

The Improvement:

Hubby rear-ended a car on his way home from work today.  I guess the car in front of him started to pull out, but then stopped, hubby was looking for traffic and trying to pull out too, assumed she went, she didn’t and he hit her.  I guess he hit her pretty hard cuz he said his head hit the visor and his hat flew off.  Nothing major but a significant bump.

He was embarrassed to tell me.  He waited until the kids left for school cuz he doesn’t want them to know.  I disagree with that because I think kids should know that their parents aren’t perfect and we make mistakes too.  And we need to show them how to handle things like this.  I won’t tell them though, its his deal and I’ll bet he ends up telling them anyway cuz the man loves to hear himself talk.  Anyway….

The good part of this was – I text  him this morning and asked him to stop at Wendy’s and get side salads.  Kid3 wants to take them to school for lunch the next 2 days.  The reason he was on that road was because of this.  In the past, HE WOULD HAVE BLAMED ME.  I am not kidding.  There is no doubt.  First he would have been angry at me and not told me why he was treating me like crap and then eventually he would let me know that I was the reason the whole thing happened – because he was doing something that I asked him to do.

This is such HUGE progress you have no idea.  He was humbled. He took responsibility and NOT ONCE did he insinuate that it was my fault at all.

Same Old, Same Old:

Sunday night Kid3 and I went into the living room to watch part of the Survivor finale.  Hubby came in and turned on the ceiling fan cuz he was hot.  A few minutes later he left the room and I heard him go outside.  A few minutes passed.  I was cold and turned the fan off.  About 5 minutes later, hubby came back into the room.  He stopped right by the door and asked if I had shut off the fan.  I said yes.  He glared at me.

He turned around, went to the basement, turned on the TV and watched Survivor down there by himself.

Yep.

I just said Yes.  I didn’t offer a big explanation, or defend my decision to turn off the fan.  I’m done explaining – it doesn’t matter anyway and usually just gives him more ammunition.  And I wasn’t sassy or rude about it at all.  I would not have had a problem turning it back on for him since he was back and he was hot.  That never came up though because he stomped away like a two year old.

I know that sounds like a stupid little thing that I am getting upset about.  It’s not.  It is ridiculous.  It is soooo frustrating to live in a home where you never know what will set him off next.

So let me get this straight… Kid3 and I are in the living room.  The ceiling fan is on.  We are cold.  We should leave it on anyway just in case hubby decides to come back?  (Hubby often goes outside – to the garage or whatever – for hours on end without telling me.  I really had no idea if he was coming back or not.)

I later posed that question to him.  He denied being mad and said that wasn’t why he went to the basement.  I call bullshit.

Just the other day he was in the living room watching the news after supper and I went in and sat on the couch and folded laundry.  I turned on the light cuz it was dark in there.  And he did the same thing.  He left and went to the basement to watch the news.  After a few minutes I followed him and asked him what was up.  He said “You turned on the light.”  I said “You have the light on down here.”  Again I called bullshit and he had no response.

Ridiculous.

Trust me – I don’t follow the man around all day.  And he is usually the one giving me heck for watching tv in the dark cuz its not good for your eyes, blah blah blah.  He has NEVER had a problem with the lights before that.  It has never been an issue.

I don’t get it.  I really don’t think it is just that he is trying to avoid me.  Like I am bugging him and that is his out – to get mad at me and go to another room.  The man drives me crazy gabbing at me every morning while I’m trying to work.  I feel like he follows ME around all day actually.  It’s just that I did these things that he didn’t want done and his response is stupid.

Panic Attacks: HIgh School Band Concert

We went to the band concert tonight.  Ativan included.   Hubby came too.  It was hot in there but not too bad.  The big fans helped.  Grammy and Pappy came too.  (Hubby’s parents)  They are such awesome grandparents and I feel blessed to have them in our lives.

Hubby came, hubby smiled for a picture.  Hubby didn’t yell at anyone.  Hallelujah.

I had a panic attack.. Yes I did.  :(

It wasn’t a huge one but it was definitely a panic attack.  It was during a duet that 2 girls were singing at the piano.  One of the girls was really messing up and I felt so bad for her.  I really felt it – I got nervous for her I think – which made me uncomfortable and wow.  I started sweating,  The room started spinning.  My face felt hot.  I tried my usual distractions – playing with my camera, writing in my notebook etc.  It wasn’t working.  I gathered my things together and picked up my purse.  My plan was to leave the room.  I wanted to stick it out but didn’t want to pass out there and cause a scene.  So I was leaning way forward in  my chair, with my head down, pretending to look for something in my purse.  I got out my notebook and started writing but I was shaking so bad I couldn’t even write.  It took everything I had to not leave the room.  I figured I’d stick it out until the last possible moment.  The minute I started seeing black spots and felt like passing out was going to happen quickly, I was going to jump up and leave then.

Man I was sweating.  And the way I was fidgeting in my chair probably had people wondering what the heck my problem was!

I was SO happy when it was over and thrilled that I made it through.  I really wanted to be able to stick it out.  That makes me stronger every time I fight through one.  Letting the panic monster win always sets you back a few steps and I did NOT want that!

So, the chorus part of the evening was over, the band got set up, played a few songs and it was over.  Awesome.  And one more notch in my belt for the win in my battle against panic attacks.  That makes it a pretty good night I guess doesn’t it?

End Of School Events – Anxiety!

It’s the end of the school year and anyone whose been here a while knows that this is THE worst time of year for me.  Too many panic attacks over the past few years have made the end of year events a nightmare for me :(

I am doing better than ever.  I will say that.  I haven’t had a panic attack yet.  knock on wood.  I am still having anxiety – big anxiety about the events.  The anxiety is stressing me out but so far I have avoided the meltdown and panic attack in anticipation of the panic attacks that I’m sure are coming.  That is progress.  :)

Tonight is the band concert.  Tomorrow is track & field.  Tomorrow night I work in the concession stand at the baseball field.  Then there are award assemblies, etc.  And my niece is graduating so that means sitting in those big bleachers at the football field for that. God willing.  Truly I would prefer that over the alternative.  The alternative is everyone stuffing into the gym because it is raining.  It would be more crowded than the musicals ever were. Sigh.  That is the only event so far that I am already thinking up good reasons why I can’t make it. Ha.  You know what I mean.  Oh.  And the baccalaureate.  I won’t be attending that either. Nope.  No way.

I actually took the day off work today because I needed to sort all this out in my mind.  (Think of last year though when I had a meltdown, took an ativan and slept the day away on the couch.  See?  Better.)  Piles of paper, events that hadn’t made it to the calendar yet, permission slips, order forms, etc… All these were scattered about and I needed to get a handle on it!  I was feeling out of control and I took today off to try to organize and prepare.

I had a slow start.  Hubby didn’t go to bed right away when he got home.  He kept gabbing at me.  I didn’t tell him I wasn’t working today cuz there is always somewhere he wants to go.  He would say we should go somewhere – truck shopping or somewhere since I was off.  I didn’t want to.  And I didn’t want to deal with him pouting because I had other plans for the day.  Plans that he would judge.  So I kept it to myself and tried to say very little when I replied to him so he would get bored and be done talking!  LOL

So mainly what I got done so far is I cleared the counter of all the paper piles and put things where they go – put events on the calendar, filled out forms and wrote checks for yearbooks and band shoes and fundraisers. I called the insurance company and 2 different doctors to schedule appointments.  I called the consignment shop to set up an appointment that I’ve been meaning to make for a month!

I feel like I accomplished so much – even though it was just stuff I should have already had done! I wish I was one of those people that are always motivated and energetic!

Well I don’t want to get sidetracked.  I need to go plan when to take my ativan so its in high gear at the band concert tonight.  Gonna be HOT in there which just makes it worse but I plan to sit as close to the fan as I can, even if it does blow my hair up in the air the whole time :)  I’d rather be sane than pretty.  LOL