Celebrating with Wine and Cookie Dough
31 May 2012 1 Comment
in Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, breathing, Kids, panic attacks, school, school assemblies
I am doing a happy dance.
Well really I am sitting here drinking wine and eating cookie dough. :)
The school events are over, the kids have half a day of school tomorrow, and then they are free for the summer.
I LOVE summer. I love hanging out with my kids. (Ask me in a week if I still feel the same! lol)
I made it through the awards assemblies and 6th grade graduation!
I took too much ativan but I did it.
The graduation assembly today was very nice. They had a slideshow playing for us to watch while waiting for it to begin. I didn’t watch it cuz it made me want to burst into tears. In order to keep the panic attacks away I need to stay focused right? I think they are going to hand out a copy of that dvd to the kids so I can watch it later. They had the usual awards, there were 7 kids that gave mini speeches in between, and they all received their “diploma”. Then we all ate cake and took a gazillion pictures. It was fun.
I went by myself. Hubby slept through it even though I asked him to please come with me. Grammy was babysitting her great-grandbaby and he was screaming his head off when I talked to her on the phone. He is getting sick I guess. SO I went alone and was worried that Kid2 would be upset. If she was she didn’t show it.
I got extremely nervous and shaky in the last hour – waiting for it to be time to go. I tried a bunch of different distractions. I finally settled into a comfy chair and tried to do some deep breathing. I have also been using a roll-on stress relief oil that Dr. Oz recommended and I bought from escents aromatherapy. I love it! I don’t know what it is about the scent but when I take deep breaths and inhale it really works for me.
The beginning of the program was very difficult and I had a hard time being still. I kept getting up to take pics and writing in my notebook like always. I made great efforts to lean back in my chair and try to relax. About 45 minutes into it I realized I was finally calmed down and enjoying the program. Usually these assemblies arent that long so I guess I never got that far before.
Anyway…. Done. Good.
I’m gonna drink some wine, put away the cookie dough before I really regret it, perhaps watch some TV, and go to bed.
Sounds like a plan.
Good night.
His Wedding Ring
30 May 2012 2 Comments
in Marriage Tags: communication, husband, Love, Wedding ring
I put his wedding ring on his finger this morning.
He was laying on the couch watching the news. I got the ring from his dresser, went to the living room, and put it on his finger.
Hubby: “Really?”
Me: “Yes. It is a small change that will make a big difference.”
Hubby: “I’ll have to take it off before I go to work.”
Me: ”Yea and then you can put it back on after work.”
And that was that. He wore it the rest of the day.
After dinner when we were the only two left sitting at the table I said “I hope you aren’t hating wearing that too much cuz it kinda makes me hot for ya.”
He thought that was hilarious.
He wore it to the baseball game tonight.
I really really loved seeing it on his hand. I really really hope he puts it back on tomorrow.
One More School Assembly
30 May 2012 2 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, Kids, panic attacks, school, school assemblies
Only 1 more school event and I am FREE!
No more school assemblies, concerts, parent teacher conferences, parent visitation days, musicals, ……. at least until fall :)
Looking forward to that like a kid counting down the days until their birthday! Ha ha.
Kid2′s awards assembly was yesterday. It went well. Hubby didn’t go. Mom-in-law did but got there before me and sat right in the middle aisle near the front. Umm…. no. I went and said hello and told her I was going to sit near the back because I like to stand up and take pictures. She was already gabbing happily with the lady next to her. She didn’t mind at all so I went to the back.
There were no seats left at the end of any rows. That got my head spinning a bit, but I found a seat in the middle of the back row and convinced myself it was fine because all I had to do to exit was slide my chair back and get out that way. Yes, I know it is ridiculous to worry about things like that.
I had taken 2 ativans already and did better than expected. I was worried about a repeat of the panic attack I had at parent teacher conferences. Happily that didn’t happen. I still wrote in my little notebook. I still got very uncomfortably choked up when they gave out the awards that are in memory of children who have died. I took pictures. And more pictures. I chatted with an old friend who sat down next to me. It was fine. It was really fine. And I was thrilled.
Tomorrow is the 6th grade graduation. Kid2 is excited. Lots of kids are speaking – each about different topics that are near and dear to their graduating hearts. They have put together a slide show of their elementary years. I have been told to bring my tissues.
This one will be tough because – well because these things are terrible for me anyway – add the tissues and it could get real hard real fast.
I used to think 6th grade graduation was kinda silly. Now though I see that it is really more about leaving the grade school and beginning Jr high. That is a big step and it is certainly worthy of a graduation type assembly. And cake. :)
No Panic Attacks Please! School Assembly
29 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, exposure therapy, Kids, panic attacks, school, Thank You Lord
Today is Kid3′s awards assembly in the hot hot hot cafeteria. It is 86 right now. And humid.
I wonder how much it would cost to install air conditioners in the cafeteria. Thousands I’m sure. That’s how much I hate to go there and sit and sweat. I was actually thinking about how I might work to make that donation to the school!
Not gonna happen. Heck , we don’t even have central air in our house. Hubby lugs those big things up the basement steps and puts them in the windows every summer. He put the downstairs window air conditioners in yesterday. But he had to stop since it hurt his back. Probably wait another week or so and then get the ones put in the bedrooms upstairs. (I try to help him lift them but he says that makes it harder. )
I’m sure somebody somewhere is working on making smaller, lighter but still powerful window air conditioners. Maybe even ones you somehow install permanently in your wall? If this is already happening and you know about it, please tell me! That would be fabulous.
Anyway, I’m trying to prep myself for the day. Not off to a very good start. I didn’t get enough sleep last night. I drank 2 cups of coffee today – not a smart decision. Deep breaths.
I am not freaking out. I’m nervous about it but I’m not freaking out. That right there is progress.
There is a stomach bug going around the family… I was very tempted to fake sick and just not go! But I won’t. I promise I won’t.
Of course because I want to be there for Kid3. But probably even more than that… Thursday is Kid2′s assembly and it is a bigger deal. 6th grade graduation from the grade school. Kids are giving speeches, there is a photo slideshow, there will be cake. (My kid isn’t giving a speech. Hmm – wonder where she got her shyness from :/)
I need to go today for the exposure therapy. A success there today will make it easier on Thursday. And that is one that I can not fake sick to get out of. As a mom of course I would want to go – I wouldn’t miss it! As a panic attack sufferer – I don’t want anywhere near the place. That is ongoing dilemma in my head :(
I am going today. I will go Thursday. I will just do it.
Thank God today for ativan!
Proud Mom Moment: 5K Run
26 May 2012 2 Comments
in Love my Kids! Tags: fitness, Kids, parenting
My daughter ran her first 5K this morning. She has been training for months.
Her time was 29:45. So proud of Kid2!!
Tonight was the Band Concert
23 May 2012 3 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids!, Take That Panic Attacks! Tags: anxiety, school, Thank You Lord
One more thing checked off the anxiety list. Yay!
Yesterday Kid1 told me that if I would just leave her alone for a few days her life would be SO much better. She has been mean! Hormones? Hopefully that is all it is. Ugh. She has been studying for finals and I have been pushing her on that cuz her grades are … let’s just say they aren’t awesome. I think she is just getting frustrated by it all. Doesn’t make it OK to be a meanie though!
The band concert was tonight. She wore a beautiful black dress that has caused quite a bit of drama the past few days. She loved it. SHe hated it. Blah blah blah. Ha.
I had taken ativan (2 today!) but still had some icky moments during the chorus part of the show. They go first. They sang a really really really long song is another language that I didn’t know and my gosh it was boring. It gave my mind too much time to wander. I reeled it back in by feeding every child around me some tic tacs I found in my purse. And by taking pictures of everything and everyone. Even people I didn’t know. If they were on the stage tonight – I took their picture.
Other than that it was uneventful. Just a nice evening – which is exactly what I wanted! Thank you Lord!
Hubby didn’t go. He stayed home and slept. Really he just didn’t care to go. Kinda made me mad. If it was a sporting event he would have been there. Kid1 doesn’t do sports though. He should have come to support her whether he felt like it or not. Grammy and Pappy (in-laws) came though and I appreciated that.
Oh – a funny thing. When we went into the auditorium they had 2 huge fans blowing. I like to sit on the right side of the room – the same side of the stage where Kid1 would be sitting. Unfortunately that was in the direct path of the super fan. I assumed they would turn it off when the performance started and I wanted to stay where we would be able to see Kid1, so we sat there for 1/2 an hour with our hair being blown in our face and cracking up about it. So funny. My mom-in-law didn’t think it was too funny. But then when she saw my hair sticking straight up in the air, she changed her mind. :)
I always complain that they don’t run those fans. And I hate being hot at these events. It just made me think that God has a sense of humor. Truly we were wind-blown! It was like riding in a convertible. Ha!
Anxiety: Dentist Exposure Therapy & Wings :)
22 May 2012 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks, Love my Kids! Tags: anxiety, ativan, dentist, Kids, panic attacks
This morning:
I was going to ask hubby to take Kid3 to the dentist today. His appointment is at 3:30. I wanted a day off from ativan. There are so many things happening and I have been taking it pretty regularly. :(
But hubby is still awake working on a tractor. So he will not get to bed until late, which means he will need to sleep. Argh.
Yea, yea I know. It’s good for me to take him anyway. Exposure therapy and all that.
Now at the end of the day:
Hubby said sure he would take him – if he was awake by then. I knew he wouldn’t be so I planned ahead, took my ativan, lit my apple scented candle, and tried to forget about it and get some work done. It worked pretty well and by the time I picked Kid3 up from school I was feeling confident.
This appointment was easier for kid3. (And easier for me to watch!) No shots of novocaine, nothing too nasty, just a cavity that needed to be filled. He was nervous though and that usually makes me more nervous. It was ok though. Better than last time. The dizzy feelings that I usually get sitting in that chair watching never came. Hallelujah.
The first time Kid3 had to get a tooth filled we went to get wings afterward. It was a few months ago. Kid3 and I rarely go somewhere by ourselves, usually he is his dad’s sidekick. Or his sisters are with us too. So I decided to make it special. He had been to this wing place with a friend and just kept raving about it. We don’t go out to eat a whole lot so this was a treat for me too.
Then the next time he went to the dentist, then entire family joined us for wings. This time Kid3 said “We have to go mom, it’s a tradition.”
So we went. I love hanging out with my little man. We had a good time. He loved the jukebox and played tons of songs.
He is totally worth the risk of a panic attack. :)
Don’t miss the air guitar in the 3rd pic. Ha Ha. Love him!
Space and Perspective
21 May 2012 4 Comments
in Marriage Tags: anger, communication, husband, marriage improvement
Marriage is so complicated.
I posted before about how I decided to stop the insanity and just keep my distance from hubby. I was trying to stop the cycle or hurt and anger that we had going. Then we celebrated out 18th anniversary. It was nothing spectacular but it was nice. Much better than the past few years.
Backing off and backing away from him has been very good for both of us. We’ve been getting along better. Of course that makes sense since we weren’t talking much and were not hanging out as much. Avoid your husband, avoid the arguments. Hmm. Great marriage advice? lol
I think we both needed – and thoroughly enjoyed the distance.
I say distance, but we stayed right here together. Working together to take care of the kids and get everything done that needs to be done with our regular busy family stuff. It’s hard to explain, but the difference was that I just went about my life – and wasn’t worried about him and what he was doing – or thinking – or feeling. I was exhausted by it all and just didn’t want to deal with it anymore.
And the sex? I think removing that from the equation took away even more tension between us. I had always thought it would do the opposite.
It took a while but then there was a shift.
Things began to change. He would come find me to tell me something. Anything. Or he would be watching TV in another room and call to me “Hey, you gotta come see this!” He would ask me if I needed anything when he went to the store.
He would say things like:
Did you get all your work done yet today?
What are you going to do today?
Did Kid1 tell you about ….?
Is your throat still sore?
I’m going wherever. Do you want to come?
I mean really simple things right? Yea, for most people. He was showing interest in me – in my life again. He has had so much animosity toward me for so long. It was very clear before that pretty much anything I said to him was a bother, an irritation. That hurt. A lot.
We went to the flea market a few weeks ago. Together. Like a as a family. (Except for hormonal Kid1 who refused to get out of bed :) Before, I would not have been invited. Oh I could have gone along. But I would not have been asked to go. And he would most likely have been grumpy at me anyway. As we were walking along, our hands touched and you know what? He held my hand.
He has even come and sit next to me on the couch recently. These things sound completely uneventful I know. Did we go places together before? Yes. Did we sit next to each other before? Sure. Did we ever hold hands? Once upon a time.
Again – I think we both needed and enjoyed the break from each other. The tension started to go away. Where there are no expectations there can be no disappointments right? We’ve both been expecting things from each other, and being disappointed by each other for way too long.
We both got some space and maybe even a new perspective. It’s like we are coming back toward each other now. Still slowly.
Sure, we’ve had some disagreements lately. Maybe even a hollered word or two. But nothing like before. The sex? We have not had sex again yet. Nope. For some reason it’s not a big deal either.
This has been good for us.
Freakin Teacher Meeting Conquered
17 May 2012 2 Comments
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, panic attacks, parent teacher conferences
Actually I’m hesitant to say it was conquered because I did take ativan today and that was a key factor in this success.
You know what tho? That’s still ok. So, yes – the freakin teacher meeting was conquered.
There was a time when even WITH the ativan I’d been a quivering ball of jello. I would have fretted about it for weeks in advance. There’s a good chance I would have cancelled it altogether or at least faked sick and made hubby go.
So, yes. CONQUERED.
It went well. I am glad I changed the appointment time. It was originally supposed to be at 10am yesterday. It was at 4:30 today. The school was practically deserted. He left the office door open and had several fans blowing since it got hot today.
He was a little weird but I’ve never met a guidance counselor who wasn’t. Seems to me his goal was to talk her out of any occupation she said she was interested in. Ha. Several times he said “Reality check.” and I wanted to scream “Live your dreams!” Ha. He was kinda a buzz kill.
But I sat there in his office relaxed. A few times my mind started to go to the what-if kind of thinking and I quickly shut that down. Not one hot flash. That is awesome. No dizziness. Great.
I am thankful that I have ativan. I wish I didn’t need it but at this point in my life I do.
I took 1/2 a pill this morning right after breakfast. Then half at noon. Then a whole one at 2:30 pm. Yea, I hate that I took 2 in one day. But to me it was worth it. I need to build some confidence. I need to get back my “I can do it!” attitude and I need to get that back quick. The best way to do that is to have a few successes.
Band concert is next week. Spring Carnival is next week and Kid3 has asked me to help. The following week are the awards assemblies that really test me. Add the 6th grade graduation event and yea, I have some fears to face the next 2 weeks. I need to go in strong & confident.
I just called for a refill of ativan. I will use that as a tool to get through these events. I’m not going to feel bad about it. I’m not going to worry about it. I know that when school is out everything will calm down and I will be able to taper back off of ativan and go back to taking it just occasionally.
Freakin Teacher Meetings
17 May 2012 1 Comment
in Anxiety / Panic Attacks Tags: anxiety, Kids, panic attacks, parent teacher conferences, parenting, school
I apologize to all you teachers out there. But these things stress me out!
These types of things are really difficult for a person with panic attacks!
Ironically, I LOVED school when I was a child. I was an A student. It was easy for me. I remember hating weekends. I didn’t want to be home and deal with my dad’s drama. I was the only kid I knew that loved Mondays! It really sucks how these panic attacks have changed my life. I’m getting better and better but it never should have been an issue in the first place and that ticks me off.
This is a busy busy time of year for everyone. Tons of school events.
I need to focus on today only:
3:30 – pick up kids & a BFF from school
4:30 – Kid1 and I meet with guide counselor to discuss next years class schedule. I guess next year is when credits start counting toward graduation and there are decisions to make. I don’t really know what this meeting will accomplish. I’m looking forward to finding out :)
5:15 – Hubby takes Kid2, Kid2′s bff, and kid3 to ball field.
5:30 – I meet them at ball field and take Kid2 & bff to track.
5:45 – baseball game starts
….
I’m looking forward to sitting down, being still, and watching the game. Ha! Really, I will not be still. I will be cheering like a crazy mom :)
There are about 2 hours of this day that are going to be stressful. Really I have it figured out. And I’m going to go make some hamburger helper and put it in the crockpot to stay warm so supper will be ready and available to whoever wants it, whenever they want it. Simple. Done.
I also have to remember to get cash from the mac machine before we come home for Kid1 to take on her band trip tomorrow. And add minutes to her phone. Being a mom is all about details!
Really this day is not that bad. What makes it bad is that I am psyching myself out about this meeting with the guidance counselor. My friend went this morning and said it took half an hour. Ugh. Add to that the fact that hubby has not been sleeping much at all this week. He will be grumpy. But I am waking him up anyway to help drive kids around. He knew the plan last night. He chose not to go to bed today until noon. Not my fault. Right? Right.
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