Let me tell you about last night.

Last night was the spring formal dance for kid2.  She was gorgeous as usual.


Image Source :DebShops.com

These are the shoes she wore – sparkly gold – and the rest of the outfit was even more fabulous.


Let me backtrack just a little….Kid2 also had an ortho appointment that morning that hubby took her to. 

The day before when Kid3 puked yet again at school – hubby went to pick him up and I made an appt and he took him to the doctor.  Hubby didn’t get to bed that day until about 2pm after working all night.

He’s been doing all the running around since I’ve been freaking out about driving.  And he has been wonderful about it.  I have had great guilt, especially when he needs to be sleeping!

So last night was the formal.  How this usually goes is we get ready, take pictures at home with the family, go to town, meet up with friends at the park that has great backdrops for more pics and take pics with friends, dates, etc.  Then we take them all up to the school where they see a few more friends, we take a few more pics, and then they finally go into the dance.  And we pick them up when its over.  Hubby has never participated in any of that.  And I was worried that he was reaching the end of his rope – feeling stressed about having to do all of this stuff he doesn’t normally have to do.

(NOT ONCE did I point out that I usually do all the stuff that he is feeling overwhelmed doing…. ha… but I want to point that out here!  Don’t you know it ladies!)

So in anticipation for last night let’s just say I was fully loaded with ativan.  Ha, that sounds bad.  But really, I wanted it in my system full strength because I was really afraid that I would have to do all that on my own last night and I still haven’t driven much at all since the driving panic attacks have been in high gear.  I spread the ativan throughout the day like you are supposed to.  I took 2 and 1/2 yesterday.

Turns out hubby was awesome – as he has been lately.  He was a little irritated when he heard about all the picture taking plans but he went along with it anyway.

He held her coat and gabbed with the other dads and when it was all over, I think he was glad he went.  I said “see what you’ve been missing!” He just laughed.  Kid2 was going t a friends house after the dance so no need to go pick her up.

Another thing on the list of things I’d asked hubby to do for me before Sunday was go get my RX refill.  Well with all that ativan in me, and my successful little drive around the block the other day, I decided I was going to try it myself.  I figured I’d go myself, pull over when I needed to, wait it out and carry on.  I need to face this.

Hubby offered to come along.  I said no.  He suggested I take Kid1 with me.  I said no.  I don’t want people watching me freak out!  So off I went.  I made sure I had Roar playing. Ha.  Never really got into that song before but it felt so empowering the other night, I put it on my ipod.

I was ok.  There were some what if moments.  But there were no black spots.  I am hosting Easter dinner for  my family here on Sunday and need some groceries but I had decided that once I got there, if all I could do was go through the drive through pharmacy window, that was just fine.  Well I did that and my RX wasnt ready of course so I had 20 minutes to kill.  SO I went and did my grocery shopping.  Then I went into the Dollar store next door.  I was walking around thinking wow – I feel like a normal person!  Yay.

So I got my med and drove home.  No trouble.  Yes, there were the thoughts in the back of my head but they didn’t take over.  Hubby loves mcdonalds double cheeseburgers.  I knew he was planning to be working in the garage on his 4-wheeler so I did a drive through and got some burgers for him and the kids and some fries for me.  (YUM – it’s been SO long since I ate any french fries!)

I went straight to the garage when I got home and he looked up with a big smile and said “There you are!  I had my phone with me in case you needed me.”  I said I come bearing gifts and gave him the burger.  He laughed and sat down and ate it.  I told him how I felt like a normal person tonight but I hated that it took all that med to make me feel that way.  You know what he said?  Well if that’s what it takes to straighten out those chemicals in your brain, then that’s what it takes.

THAT IS HUGE.  Because that means he looked it up and was reading about panic attacks.  He had told me he was going to do that cuz he just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me.  He has always been one of those guys that reject medicine and thinks that if you were just stronger, you could deal with it.  Like you feel nervous about something? Buck up and do it anyway. So he finally sees that there is more to it than that.  I’m sure that watching me freak out  – actually seeing me freak out in the car and not being able to get off the bathroom floor – helped him realize it was really real.  Ha!

So then I left him in the garage and went home to my other kiddos who were lost in minecraft world.  They only looked up when they smelled cheeseburgers.   lol

Then I thought of him saying about having his phone with him just in case.  So I texted him


And he is.  He really is here for me.

Zoloft: Day 18

OK I’m supposed to be working so I’ll try to keep this quick.  I’ve been logging massive work hours lately so yay!

About this anxiety crap in my life….

I’ve been taking Zoloft.  This is day 18.  I took 1/2 pills for a week, then bumped it up to whole pills (50mg) for a week, then feeling very frustrated that I didnt feel any different at all I asked my dr if I could bump it up again.  She said I could try it but that I hadnt really given the med time to work yet.  The thing was that I wasnt having any bad side effects at all – a good side effect was that I was a bit more motivated around the house etc, but I was still freaking out about driving.

Hubby has still been the driver and he has been a good sport but I know its working on his nerves.  I don’t blame him.  We have busy kids and there is a lot of running around to do.

Well last Tuesday the school called, my son had puked and I needed to go pick him up.  Hubby was asleep since he works 3rd shift.  I was feeling “off” that day anyway and knew it wouldn’t be easy but I had to go right?  And its stupid anyway, so I decided to go get him.  No ativan in me at all.

I made it about a mile towards town and panic hit me.  I pulled over and sat there, planning to continue on but just couldn’t make myself.  Then I started thinking yea, what if I go get him, and then this happens the whole way home?  I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt someone when these panic attacks hit me in the car.

SO…I finally calmed down enough and drove home and woke up my hubby.  I felt completely defeated.  I couldn’t even go get my son from school when he was sick!  I did get in the car and ride along with hubby cuz I am determined not to give up and need to get in a car as often as possible to learn to deal with this.  It was ok, but geesh.  Kid3 was freezing so hubby blasted the heat and we put the windows up.  Kill me now.

That whole thing was very upsetting to me.  I have a family and responsibilities.  They need to be able to count on me in an emergency to be able to drive them somewhere!  If I had been by myself that day – and not going to pick someone up – I would have fought through it and made my way there step by step, however long it took.  But that’s different.  My puking kid was sitting in the school office with a bucket waiting for me.  I had to hurry!

This was before I upped my zoloft to 75 mg.  And that day I determined that the only was I was going to get  over this is to go for a drive every single day until I get over this nonsense.  Like I did with the grocery store way back when.   And when hubby goes somewhere, I go along if I can, just to get more exposure.

So Monday evening I took 75mg Zoloft instead of 50.  The next morning was hell.  I was heaving, although I never actually puked and I was burning up like before on the Celexa.  Its not like a fever.  Its like I feel like I’m burning up from the inside out.  I googled it later and it seems that is just another way a panic attack manifests itself for some people.  One lady on a message board said she decided to decide that she liked when she felt that way and to look forward to it.  She said “imagine how many calories I’m burning when I heat up like that!”  And then that took away the power, she was no longer afraid of that and she rarely has that symptom anymore.  LOVE THAT!

SO the Tuesday I went back to 50mg.  My plan was to increase it slowly, every other night.  I felt normal Wednesday morning.  Wednesday eve I took 75mg again and expected to feel crappy this morning.  I was kinda looking forward to the burning sensation cuz I was all psyched up to change it into a positive too – but it never came.  I felt good this morning too.  Maybe my body is getting used to the increased dose already.  Who knows.

And just now I got in my car and drove around the block.  Yippee.  Katy Perry – Roar was on the radio and I sag it loud and proud and smiled.  Tomorrow I’ll do it again.  Only maybe further.  Or maybe I’ll do it again tonight.  We’ll see. But I’m not giving up.

Have good day.  Enjoy the sunshine!

Wait…. You can have anxiety and not know it?

This article popped up in my newsfeed and made me laugh.  The title made me laugh.  I didn’t read the whole thing – feel free.  Or not.


13 Signs You Have Anxiety — and Don’t Know It



I drove. I shopped.

I just drove into town and went to 2 stores.


Woo Hoo!


Take that Panic Attacks!

I Do Stuff


Things I’ve done lately that point out to me how little I’ve been doing lately.

- Threw out bags of marshmallows that were in the cupboard with our tea & hot cocoa that were ancient and rock hard.

- Moved everything and wiped off the top shelf of the refrigerator.

- Made a recipe that I made up myself just cuz I was inspired.  Used to do that all the time.

- Put a suitcase in the attic.  It has been sitting in my bedroom for many months.

- Cut up veggies for quick snacks the kids can grab instead of junk food.  Used to do this all the time.  Seems like years ago.

- Been making a list for each night so everyone knows what needs to be done and who is going where when.  Organizing the chaos.

- Updated our budget spreadsheet that tracks our debt and how we are paying it down and put it on the bulletin board in the office.

- Organized my work email with new filter/folders.

- Updated all the school papers/fundraisers/sports papers all on the kitchen cabinets so its all current.

- Washed, folded & put away laundry all in the same day.

- Made some phone calls I’ve been putting off for a good while now.

- Doing my dance videos again during work breaks to move around a bit after sitting for too long!

This was just this week and it’s only Wednesday!

The thing about this is that I’m like wow - look at me doing stuff!  I actually notice the cobwebs on the ceiling fans and the bathroom light fixture (haven’t cleaned them yet tho. ha)  I do stuff.  Not like I didn’t do stuff before but…. ugh.  I hope you know what I mean.  I didn’t do any of the extra stuff.  I did what needed to be done and that was it I guess.  I hope this continues cuz my house would appreciate this new energy!

I don’t know if it cuz I weaned off of my medicine and this is the normal me  – or it is increased motivation from beginning zoloft.  I wish it was just me but.. ..  it’s the me I used to be before I got all freaked out from panic attacks and this whole horrible cycle of panic attacks and different medications started!  I hope this me sticks around.  I remember feeling kinda like this when I started wellbutrin last time too.  It’s like it’s just a little kick in the pants and it’s awesome.  I know  the zoloft is just now getting built up in my system so who knows what will happen but I like this.  So for now, I’m going to enjoy it.  It’s driving my kids crazy unfortunately.  They get a lot more to do when I see all the things that need to be done.  Poor kids.  lol


Celexa vs Zoloft

I know that some people do use Celexa for anxiety – just from reading blogs etc I know that.  And the guy that posts the anxiety videos on youtube takes Celexa.

I still find it curious that Celexa is what my doctor suggested for me.  Straight from the medication guide that came from the pharmacy it says that Celexa (Citalporam) is used to treat depression.

Contrast that to Zoloft which says that it treats depression, panic disorder, OCD, PTSD, social anxiety disorder and PMDD.

I kinda think its funny that it is supposed to treat all those!  I should never have another bad day again in my life – even PMS! – if all goes according to plan!

Here’s hoping :)

Late Night Gab Session ❤

Kid2 – who is 14 – just sat here on my bed tonight and babbled at me for about an hour.  It doesn’t happen often but I love it when it does!  It’s hard to get the teenage people to open up sometimes so it’s awesome when they do :)

She is going to the spring formal with this guy she has had a crush on for a long time.  He is a jerk plain and simple.  He has liked her on and off and then just dumps her without giving her any reason whatsoever.  She has cried many nights because of him.

They are “just friends” now and have been for a while, even though she still liked him.  They were just friends when they decided to go to the formal together also.  I wasn’t thrilled but want her to be able to figure this out on her own.  I’m well aware that forbidding something makes teenagers want it even more.  ha.

Well now she has decided that she really doesn’t like him at all and doesn’t even want to go with him to the formal.  It’s in 2 weeks.  A lot can happen in 2 weeks so we’ll see how this works out.  She is all worked up about it though and doesn’t know what to do.  My advice was to give him an out and see if he takes it.  AND if he is rude to her – she has every right to tell him she will no longer be his date – never mind that that his mom already bought a shirt and tie for him to match Kid2′s dress.

Sucks to be him!


Started Zoloft: Day 3

Hi.  So I weaned down off of Celexa, took nothing for one day and then started on Zoloft.  I was nervous about taking the Zoloft and thought I might wait a while but decided to dive in and just get the initial side effects over.

I was feeling good, normalish even and wanted to stay that way.  Ha.  At the same time I want to get this figured out.  I have things to do, places to go, a life to live – worrying about panic attacks every day of my life is screwing up my plans.

Today is Day 3 for Zoloft.  I’ve taken 3 half pills.  I’ve been taking them at supper time.  I read so many different stories – some people have horrible crazy dreams when they take it at night.  Some can’t sleep at all.  Others is seems to make them very tired.  Who knows.  Iam very busy at work right now and can’t risk losing  a nights sleep.  And taking it in the morning may mean I get too tired to even be able to work.  So I decided to take it at supper time – 5ish and that has worked so far.  I havent noticed much difference – and really no side effects yet either.

Well, it is a little harder to get out of bed in the morning, but it seems like I’m sleeping ok.

Oh – also -  remember when I got so sick on the Celexa – SO SICK that I couldn’t even think of my beloved coffee for days – well I am still drinking green tea instead.  I’ve known for a long time that I need to slow down on the coffee.  Hopefully I can keep that up.

I still haven’t really driven anywhere.  Hubby has been a great Mr. Mom, chauffeuring the kids around.  I’m getting my nerve back and think it’s gonna be ok soon.  We are running low on feminine supplies and while hubby will get them if I ask, it’s a good motivator to get me to venture out to the store.  There are 3 of us girls here in the house that need products and everyone has their own preferences.  lol  The list is a little long and those aisles can be complicated.  ha.

I did drive up to the barn tonight where hubby was working on his tractor – usually I would walk it but it was a good ice breaker for me and the van :)





Hubby Has Been Awesome

Hubby is being awesomely supportive and I love him more than ever.  Yesterday he wasn’t home and I was on the phone with a client.  I was getting very dizzy but I needed to work since I missed so mush time this week being sick.  I sat down on my office floor and then was hunkered with my head on the floor, trying to stop the dizziness, all the while carrying on a (hopefully!) intelligent conversation with the client who had no idea.

I heard hubby come in but he doesn’t usually come see me right away.  Well he did yesterday and saw me on the floor and looked so concerned.  Ha.  I made like a swirling motion like I was just dizzy and he laughed.  He just sat there and rubbed my back while I talked to my client.  How sweet is that?  :)

He has been stepping up and driving kiddos more places – just volunteering and not making a big deal of it.  He knows I don’t want them to know I’ve been having panic attacks while driving.

They do know I’ve been feeling dizzy and have different medicine and that is why.  And obviously they know I’ve been sick.  A long time ago I told them my medicine (Wellbutrin at the time) was for my heat flashes.  I’ve told them how horrible this new medicine is making me feel and that it makes me dizzy and I don’t feel comfortable driving anywhere right now.  So they think this is all because of hot flashes/hormones etc.

Anyway, hubby has been awesome.  And concerned.  And sweet.  And helpful.  I have been surprised by his concern but I am thrilled of course that this has been his reaction.  I was worried I’d have to fight this alone.  Instead, he has been by my side and it has been awesome.

Celexa Journey Stops Here: Day 18

Day 18 : 3/22/14

I took 1/2 a celexa last night.  Hopefully that is my last one.  If hubby doesn’t get to the pharmacy for me today, I may have to take it again tonight but hopefully that won’t be the case.

I talked to my doctor yesterday and she agreed it was time to try something else.  I asked about Zoloft and she said that sounded good.  She also suggested I might have just “caught a bug” and that is why I have been so sick.  I know that is true.  But.  I have been dizzy and naseaus for over a week and never actually had a fever.  Add to that the fact that my anxiety has been through the roof and my brain has not been able to calm the crazy constant thoughts and what-ifs.  Itwas like my normal worries turned up on high speed that would not stop no matter what.  And THAT was from the medicine, I guarantee it.

So I am hopeful that I am able to tolerate zoloft better.  I’m nervous about starting over and hope that the initial side effects for it are not as bad and don’t last as long.

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This blog is my personal journal. I am trying hard to save my marriage. No, I am trying to build a great marriage. In case you haven't heard, marriage is HARD!
I am fighting back against anxiety & panic attacks. This is year 5 of this adventure. I am also codependent. I am an ACOA. Fun, Fun. I am trying hard to become a better me.

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