04 Dec 2013 Leave a Comment
This hit me in the heart just now.
All of a sudden I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
This is what I want my husband to understand more than anything in the world.
It is ok to let down your tough guy guard and just love me like crazy.
22 Nov 2013 4 Comments
What a beautiful night!
We went to the theater to see Annie. Imagine it in your head in a British accent for full affect. That’s the way my kids were saying it all the way through dinner and all the way there. You can tell we don’t get out much. Ha!
After getting over the teenage eye rolling, everyone seemed happy to go and hubby did too. Not once did he say that he didn’t want to go. Then we discussed that we would have to drive separately because he would not have time to come home before heading out to work. I thought that might make him declare that he wasn’t going. He said some choice words and told me to plan these things on a weekend next time instead of a Thursday night. Hmm…. next time. Yep, I heard that! But he still went – he dressed up a little, looked all handsome, and smiled and we went to the theater! (don’t forget the British accent!)
Panic attacks, well….. I had some nerves. Not too many but some. There were some times when I started to feel “swirly” and looked away from the performance and around at the people, architecture and amazing detail of the building for a while instead. I looked at my kids. I looked at my hubby. I was just so happy that we were all there together. And we were making happy memories. And then I would get teary-eyed about that. The panic attack that may have been coming never arrived and for that I am so thankful.
In case you’re wondering – Ativan? Yes. 2.
Oh – I had planned on sitting in the end seat for easy exit upon freak out. The seats were so small and smushed! Oh my. It is a very old antique theater. And they say people used to be smaller right? ha. I am 5′ 5″. I sat the whole way back in my seat and my knees still touched the back of the seat in front of me. They were not comfortable seats! Anyway, I moved is so hubby could sit on the end as soon as I saw how tight it was going to be. I was still fine. I went through the scenario in my head a few times where I leap over him to get to the exit. ha
The whole way home I just felt giddy. Giddy!
I did it. And NOT ONLY did I attend this big event and sit in a crowded place without having a panic attack, I got to do this with my whole family together. That was truly the best part. We all went together. Like a real family. And no one was being a jerk or holding a grudge or making anyone else miserable. It felt so right.
Yes, ELATED is the perfect word to describe how I feel tonight.
If only hubby didn’t have to go to work tonight. If only he was home with me now, cuddling up next to me in bed. That would make the night even more perfect.
Ahhh. A girl can dream. I think I may have some very good dreams tonight :)
21 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
Hi. Busy, busy. Updated Needed. Here we go.
Volleyball game? I didn’t go. I regret it but I don’t. The whole family decided to go to the powderpuff football game in town. Turned out differently of course though. Found out about an hour before time to leave that Kid1 skipped school that day! So she was grounded and angry that she got busted. Hubby decided he didn’t feel like going. Of course. Kid3 was happy to play with tractors with his dad. I took Kid2 to the game, looked for my BFF, didn’t find her, left and picked Kid2 up when it was over.
I was mad that I changed my mind about the volleyball game with the idea that we would all actually go to the powderpuff game and then hubby backed out. It was his idea in the first place. I was mad and hurt and felt single. There are SO many things I do alone that a lot of couples do together and I had a little pity party. And then I was mad at myself for not sticking to my original plan and just going to the volleyball game.
Later I was glad I didn’t go to the volleyball game though. They had a segment on the news about it. The vball team is undefeated,. Apparently this game was the game that would determine if they got to go to championships. It was a huge deal. It sold out. The band was there for a pre-game pep rally, etc etc. Agh. I would have freaked with all that going on. Ha. I just wanted to go try out a normal game and see if I could get through it without a panic attack. So then I was glad I didn’t go.
Parent Teacher Conferences. I went. Hubby went with me. 2 strategically timed ativan in me = no panic attack this time. Good. done.
Parent Visitation Day was yesterday. Again, 2 strategically timed ativan helped me. I went, enjoyed myself, felt normal. I had been thinking about not going this year. He’s growing up of course and he’s starting to do the thing where its not cool to hang out with your mom anymore. That makes me sad but honestly I thought it might get me out of anymore parent visitation days! That makes me sad too cuz he is my baby and is growing up too fast too…. but you get what I mean. Tuesday night he was saying his prayers before bed and he thanked God that I got to come to school the next day with him. OK then…. guess I’m going. Ha! It was sweet and I’m glad he wanted me there. And I’m glad I went. And it was seriously fine and fun and I’m thrilled to report that there was no panic attack in site.
The Play. It’s tonight! (Help!) Again, I will take the ativan and I will go and I will have fun. That is the plan.
Lots of events this time of year. This means I better call for an ativan refill. Sigh. I hate that I depend on it. But I love that it works and helps me get out there in the world and do stuff and enjoy my time with my kids.
Yes, I’d love to figure out how to do all this stuff again without it. But you know what? Time goes so fast. They are growing up so fast and I don’t want to be a basket case that misses their childhood – or that messes up their childhood!
Well this was a random type of post. Ha! I have to work like a manic at warp speed now.
Wish me luck tonight! Have a good day everyone!
18 Nov 2013 Leave a Comment
I’ve been working hard on not giving away my power!
04 Nov 2013 5 Comments
If I was a person that said the F word, I would be saying “F these people!” right now.
Of course I get myself all geared up and want to go conquer my panic attacks and I can’t get anyone to cooperate!
No, they have no idea that is the real agenda. They just don’t want to go to a college volleyball game. We all like watching volleyball, Kid1 even plays on the high school team! Whats the problem people?!
My kids were like nah….. I was going to just tell them they were going and that was that except the high school powder puff game is Friday night too and they want to go watch their friends play that and blah blah blah.
I asked hubby if he wanted to go and he said “not really.. “ It was a guilty -looking no, like he felt like he should say yes but didn’t really want to.
I asked my sisters. One said no cuz her daughter is participating in her first ever craft show Saturday morning and she thinks they will be scrambling Friday night to get everything together. My other sister is going away for the weekend with a church group.
I asked my BFF. She didn’t answer yet but I know she won’t want to go. Her hubby works away all week and weekends are their family time.
How about I go by myself? I could do that! Right now I really think I might!
When it comes down to it though…. we’ll see. It easier to stay home. lol
They don’t have to want to go of course but it makes me mad. I like geocaching. Last weekend my girls went with me just cuz I dint give them a choice. I should have known better. Blasted teenagers just complained the whole time and we came back before we even got to the location. Argh. Hubby wont do that with me. He says it’s stupid. I don’t care if he thinks its stupid. He should do it just cuz I like it! I go sleep out and freeze my butt off and gawk at tractors for entire weekends! You’d think he could hike in the woods with me for an hour! Argh.
More and more I’ve been noticing that I don’t do the things I want to do cuz no one else wants to do them. I guess I need some new friends.
Makes me mad cuz I do stuff I’m not thrilled to do all the time! I do it for them! It would be nice if they returned the favor.
So yea… F these people.
Truly, I might be able to talk hubby into going – cuz he wasn’t dead set against it, he just would rather not. LOL
We’ll see. I can actually picture me going by myself though. I could do that!
I need go sit in that crowded gym in those huge bleachers and win. I need to do that for me. It’s time to up the ante.
I would be so freakin proud of myself if I went by myself. Oh my! And can you imagine hubby? He would be quite perplexed. Ha! Love the idea! Now I kinda hope he refuses to go so I can do that! Just to shock him! It’s about an hour away and it’s something people don’t normally go to themselves. But what the hell. How many volleyball games have I sat through all by myself in town here? Hubby always left after the JV game as soon as kid1 was done playing. I sat there often by myself for the next 1 1/2 hours while varsity played. I could be like what? I wanted to go… you people all suck…. so I went myself!
Oh my. I’m telling you I barely slept at all last night. I have no idea why but it was like I had a jolt of caffeine right before I laid down or something. I felt like i was awake all night. And reading back over this post….. ha. I sound nuts. I think I need to go to bed.
02 Nov 2013 2 Comments
God help me.
I did it. I’m going to do it.
I bought tickets to a play. Annie. I bought 5 tickets so my whole family can go. I don’t know if hubby will go or not but he did not immediately shoot down the idea. If he doesn’t go, I’ll take one of my sisters instead.
I love plays.
The panic monster took those from me and it’s time for me to fight back.
I have not been to anything like this since my panic attacks started. I’ve tried a few times, but it never happened for one reason or another.
I am very nervous but I’m also determined.
I’ve already thought this to death. I looked at the website and the theater pics for DAYs before I actually bought the tickets.
I looked at the seating chart, I looked at pics of the inside of the theater and matched up seat numbers with where they were in the photo….
Yea, I know.
I chose seats on the balcony. I made sure that I can have an end seat. I looked to see where the exits are. I wanted to know I could get out of there if I had to. I don’t think I’ll have to. Just knowing that I CAN leave quickly and without a scene is the main thing.
The play is not for a few weeks. I am going to try to forget about it for a while.
I am actually excited though! I know it seems like I’m freaking out about it. I absolutely am! But I am excited also. I know I can do this and I’m ready to prove it. I want to be able to do these things again!
I’ve also been looking at the sports schedule for a local college. I want to go to a volleyball game in the large gym. And then I want to go to a basketball game in the HUGE arena. Yea, they call it an arena cuz it’s so big. Sigh. There is a concert there every year that my sisters and family go to – and I have always chickened out and sent kid1 with them. I WANT TO GO! It is always a sell out though and packed full. That sounds terrifying to me. And the pictures my sister takes just confirm my fears! I figure if I can go to a basketball game there and scope out the place that will help. Or it might confirm for me that I am not ready for that yet. We’ll see.
Now I have to see if the volleyball or basketball schedule works with mine. I want to take at least some of my kids with me. I’d love it if hubby helped me with this. I kinda doubt he will want to go though. I will not say to him that I need help cuz of my panic attacks. I don’t want him to come out of pity. Maybe one of my sisters would come with me. I would really like another adult to come. If I feel a freak out coming on, I could leave to “go to the bathroom” without having to bring my kids with me if another adult is there. I could go do some deep breathing and come back without it being a big deal for everyone else. And driving. If I am freaking out the day of the game, I will have a horrible time driving there. It’s about an hour away.
I need an adult who will be there for me but not pity me. I need an adult there that will just leave me alone and let me do what I need to do. Don’t watch me – waiting for me to lose it. Help me if I ask for help, otherwise just pretend I’m normal! My BFF has been working late and lots of overtime hours so she will not be able to go. That would be ideal tho :(
Hopefully I follow through with the volleyball and basketball games. Life is busy and it would be so much easier to just let this go. I want to go but I don’t want to go. Agh!
I CAN DO THIS.
31 Oct 2013 2 Comments
Happy Halloween to everyone!
I was up late last night making an old costume big enough to fit Kid3 for the Halloween parade at school today. Tonight is the town Halloween parade (girls in band) and trick-or-treating. Should be a fun day!
Wish I had a costume party to go to and the guts to wear a skimpy costume.. I like this one!
In other news…..
Took Kid2 to the orthodontist this morning. She wanted to waste time and get back after math class so we had some fun at the Goodwill store :)
(She’s doing great in math so no problem skipping it :)
Got a cute pair of shoes for $2.99.
Love these! I swear I have arthritis in my feet. That is a self-diagnosis but my toe joints hurt often! Lately when I wear sandals that are the thong type – like flip flops where you have to kind of hold onto your shoes with your toes, I get terrible foot cramps! It really bites. So these are cute, good quality, and so very comfortable. They look brand new and they have thin straps to hold them on at the heel so my toes should be happy!
I have them on now. It’s the little things in life…..
23 Oct 2013 2 Comments
OK This is completely off topic but I am sitting here cracking up and thought I’d share.
First, let me just say that I do feel for Miley Cyrus and I realize she is having some sort of identity crisis. I really do wish her the best and hope she figures it out soon.
Have you seen her wrecking ball video? It’s on youtube if you want to have a look.
If you haven’t seen it, watch it first so you can appreciate the link below…
Today a friend sent me a link to this parody video… I’m sorry but it’s hilarious!
19 Oct 2013 2 Comments
I’ve been thinking about this for a while.
Sofia asked me in her comments on my post “Anger, Heartache, Relief and Confusion” if the “great guy” I fell in love with ever really was a great guy or if he was always just a monster in disguise. My gut reaction was that he absolutely WAS a great guy. It was real! But this blog is all about me being real with myself and that question haunted me. What if it never was real? What if I am just in love with the IDEA of him and not really in love with him – because HE doesn’t really exist the way I think he does? Am I just in denial?
My conclusion: He wasn’t always like this. That great guy did exist.
I don’t know if he still does but that is what I am counting on.
I don’t think that he is passive aggressive like many of the horrible hubbys I read about on the blogs of my dear cyber friends. Some of the things he does seem to fit the description, many others do not.
I think mainly he is just an angry jerk.
He wasn’t always a jerk. He has had his moments but the jerk moments were not his main personality like now.
He has never been “easy-going”. And we often had problems communicating, misunderstanding each other. That’s true. But we always liked each other even when we disagreed.
For a while there I thought he was depressed. I still wonder that. It seems he is just chronically angry. He has put his defenses up and appointed me the enemy. I’m not sure exactly when or why that happened. A few things pop into my mind though…
In April 2008 he convinced himself that I was cheating on him. I wasn’t and his accusation were ridiculous if you ask me. They were completely unfounded. I think that now he believes that nothing ever happened but that situation did some damage. (I think I blogged about this before and its a long stupid story that I don’t feel like typing out. I NEVER cheated on him tho.)
It was a horrible time. He said that he had trusted me completely and that trust was now shattered. He even said something about how he had put me up on a pedestal, how he looked up to me before and now he had lost all respect for me. He didn’t think that I was the kind of person that could ever do this. I’ll never forget it. He had never spoken to me like that before. He said he lost all respect for me – and I could see it in his eyes – it was true. He was angry but weirdly calm. I explained what I could and denied any wrong doing (which apparently just made me sound guilty). He didn’t believe me. That made me mad. He didn’t trust me for a long time after that. And I was mad for a long time because I had done nothing wrong.
About 2 months after this is when I had my first panic attack. Hmm. I never put those 2 events together before….
Sometime in 2010 he started working 3rd shift which meant we no longer shared a bed. Like ever. No more gab sessions at bedtime. No more foot rubbing. No more cuddling. Hardly ever any sex. Bedtime was always our main time to talk & connect with each other. Gone. (I miss it so badly! I have been so freakin lonely since he started 3rd shift!)
Nov 2010 - I started this blog. Our marriage was at its all time low.
There have been many ups and downs since then.
Many days I read over my posts and ask myself what the hell I am still doing here.
But here is a fact.
Things really HAVE improved since I started this blog. When I read back to some of my first posts – my God he was terrible. He still isn’t awesome – and some days he’s still pretty terrible – but not like then.
And maybe it seems better now because I am a stronger person than I was then.
Here’s the thing.
He really wasn’t always like this. Anger has taken over his life and now he’s a jerk. But I believe with all my heart that he is still in there. My prayer is that he can hurry up and get out of this nasty fog before I give up on him. On us. I do believe that he is the one and only that God intended for me. I still feel that deep in my soul. He is my home. And I am his.
I hate that I feel embarrassed to type these things and put them out here in public after typing out all the crappy stuff that happens. Of course I look like a blind idiot. I know that. And I will continue to post about my hurts and I’m sure just reinforce to you all that he is not who I think he is. That kinda sucks but it is what it is.
Truth: He may not be that guy anymore. He may not ever be again. I know that.
I guess I’m just not willing to give up hope yet.
I pray every day that this will be worth it in the end.